This school teaches Korean dads 'how to hug'

The Duranno Father School teaches stoic Korean dads how tobe more involved and loving parents.  Theprogram includes a literal lesson on how to hug.  Credit: Courtesy of the Duranno Father School

“I’m not into the habit of hugging,” says Jason Chang, age47. “Being a Korean guy, when I was growing up, my father and mother, we didn’treally hug.” 

Chang is a student at the Duranno Father School inCentreville, Virginia — home to a growing Korean community. The Father Schoolis a four-day retreat of sorts, designed to transform stoic Korean dads intomore loving and involved parents. The oldest student is in his 70s, the youngestis just 27, and almost all have something in common — their wives made themcome. 

 “She basically signedup and said, this is the start date. Go ahead and go,” Chang confesses. “ButI’m glad I did it. They had homework, you know, that I normally wouldn’t do. Itgave me some insights."

Students are asked to reflect on their experiences withtheir own fathers and what they're like as dads themselves.Students are asked to reflect on their experiences with their own fathers and what they're like as dads themselves.

We’re in a church fellowship hall, where a live band playsmodern Christian hymns, and the men sing along, followed by lectures andactivities, including a lesson literally on how to hug. One arm here, bring theother person close, and no patting on the back. Then there are small groupdiscussions that resemble both group therapy and a locker room huddle.

A volunteer in his 40s talks to a younger man in his 20s.“Do you think your father loved you?” he asks. The younger man pauses, and theolder one answers for him. “Yes he did. He just didn’t know how to communicate it.”

The Duranno Father School was started by a church in Seoulin the 1990s, as a response to an epidemic of absentee fathers in South Korea.Korean men work some of the longest hours in the developed world, Confucianvalues praised them for not expressing their emotions, and for some, it was thenorm to physically discipline their kids.

By the third day, a few students have already ｄropped out.But those who remain are surprisingly honest in their sharing. Most say they’vebeen disappointed by their own fathers, one worries about his teenage son, andanother confesses he doesn’t see much of his grown children. A few admit withchagrin that they’ve turned out to be a lot like their own dads.

At the Father School graduation, men wash their wives’ feet,just as Jesus washed the feet of his disciples in the Bible. At the FatherSchool graduation, men wash their wives' feet, just as Jesus washed the feet ofhis disciples in the Bible.

And the school’s not just about being a better dad. The menare assigned homework, like writing letters to their wives, and sharing a listof 20 reasons why you love her. Give her the kind of the attention you didwhile you were dating, the instructor urges.

One of the men shares the heartfelt letter he’s written tohis wife. Since coming to the US four years ago, he admits life has been harderthan he expected. “Living in a small apartment with children, unable to speakthe language or find work,” he says, “we grew tired, and said more hurtfulwords than we intended.”

As it turns out, parenting is hard, and the stresses ofimmigrant life only make it harder. So a version of the Duranno Father Schoollaunched in the US in the early 2000s. A Korean version meets the needs of morerecent immigrants, while an English language school serves the next generation.Over the years, the school has expanded to more than 40 ｃountries around theworld, with more than 300,000 graduates.

In fact, the school is staffed entirely by graduates. Theolder men say they don’t want to see younger dads repeat their mistakes. Theydon aprons and serve up coffee, as they share their own stories during breaks.Frankly, they say it’s easy to revert to their old selves in a matter ofmonths, but in coming back to volunteer, there’s a community that keeps themacｃountable, says alum Dave Lee. 

“Even though I fall back on it sometimes,” he says, “throughthis school, it made me closer to my family — my wife and my children. I’m ableto reflect back on things I’ve done wrong, or could have been donedifferently."

A couple poses for their graduation photo at the DurannoFather School.A couple poses for their graduation photo at the Duranno FatherSchool.

Families are invited to join the fathers for theirgraduation ceremony. The men change into the school’s signature referee stripedshirts, as a symbol of their transformation. At the close of the night, the menfile in with towels over their shoulders. They kneel before their wives andwash their feet gently, just as Jesus washed his disciples’ feet in the Bible.Women lean forward in their chairs, dabbing their eyes with tissues.

I meet a woman in her 50s, as she links arms with herhusband and waits in line for their graduation photos. She’s holding flowersand eager to talk about the changes she sees in her husband. “You know, Koreanmen, they enjoy drinking.” She says her husband has agreed to drink less, andshe’s thrilled. “I’m so happy to hear about this. Yes very, very happy.”

Fathers put their arms around their children, and smile forthe camera — their wives look relieved and hopeful. Meanwhile staff are alreadycirculating, recruiting new graduates to join their ranks as Father Schoolvolunteers.

Source: http://www.pri.org/stories/2015-10-28/school-teaches-korean-dads-how-hug

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